Six weeks ago, I turned 44 surrounded by chosen family.

I was celebrated by clients, crew, and closest friends through gifts of presence, spa treatments, cards, flowers, and truly beautiful messages about who I am to each of them.

The day started with sunrise on the beach and ended with sitting on the floor of our living room laughing and telling stories.

As I blew out my birthday candles, I could feel my heart full from of a life well-lived along with so much more ahead.

Just 24 hours later, I would find myself deep in the pit of despair. And I sat there for the next few weeks without my usual internal lighthouse guiding me.

I could blame one thing or another for this dark night of the soul, yet it was a culmination of many different pieces of life and work being out of alignment.

What felt like a lifetime friendship dissolved unexpectedly, shadows showed up in my relationship with my husband, my business felt like it was headed off a cliff, and my mood swings felt as if they were out of my control.

It wasn’t until I stopped and sat with all of my feelings that I finally saw the truth of what was going on. I had reached another level of growth and all of the challenges that came with it.

You see, I recently realized that growth is like playing a game of Chutes & Ladders (or Snakes & Ladders in the UK). You can be climbing up a ladder for quite some time feeling solid in your strength only to slide backward and start again.

Then, once you get to the very top of the board, you feel like you’ve made it — only to realize you’re at the bottom of the next board.

Thankfully every time we reach the top of another level, we have gained new skills, upgraded muscles, and heightened awareness.

We’ve slowed down a bit. We’ve begun to measure our climb. Maybe we’ve even started to look ahead a bit more.

Yet, no matter how far we get, there’s always another level. And when we’re not in alignment, those climbs and slides get tougher.

While sitting in the pit of despair, I kept feeling glimmers of joy and hope—even feeling as if maybe I was out of it—only to slide back into the pit again without warning.

I was feeling challenged in new ways and would start the ascent again and again with fresh eyes.

It wasn’t until I finally let go of everything I swore was true that I was able to climb firmly out of this pit and stand on my own two feet.

I had to stop being the expert in order to find my way through the darkness.

I went back to my beginner’s mind and removed everything I thought I knew.

I had to look at where I was out of alignment and begin the process of rebalancing.

This happened in my marriage, my friendships, my business, and myself.

Now I sit here in awe at this beautiful journey of pain, hopelessness, and despair only to realize just how powerful it is to sit in my feelings and allow them to wash over me again and again.

To accept the drama of my mood swings because I’m feeling everything.

To see every bit of this healing as a luminous teaching.

To find that new friendships, perfect clients, and chosen family have shown up because there’s now space for them.

To know that I was resting in this pit, even if it didn’t feel like it at the time.

And to see that I can find pleasure in the littlest things now, the same things I overlooked before.

The same things that I saw through a veil of pain and deep sadness were now shining and glittery. My conversations were at a different vibration. My heart was beating slower and more lovingly.

I chose to climb out of the pit of despair because I just couldn’t sit in there any longer.

Because I couldn’t be out of alignment for one more moment.

And when I finally did, I found the next level ready for me and my beginner’s mind ready for all that awaits me.

The mountaintop of delight showing me that there’s another taller mountain to climb.

I say all of this to share that you are not alone. And you don’t have to suffer in silence. If you’re anything like me, you’re probably used to having to do it alone and make it work.

And if you’re open to being open to letting go of your expertise, beginning again, and seeing what’s possible, I promise that you will find your way out of whatever darkness you find yourself in.

And if you need a loving note, reply to this message and tell me. I will send you my loving support, and may even be able to send you to someone who can help.

I love you. Truly.

You are not alone.
Walking alongside you,

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